Holy shit I can’t focus on homework ……….I hate sayings like “sophomore slump” because all of life is a huge slump, right? But gosh I really am feeling an extra slumpy slump this time around. My head feels like this swarming mass of limp noodle thoughts that keep wriggling and interweaving madly. I feel so anxious because of school. And that fact alone is perplexing and strange and annoying to me all at once. School is not everything! School does not mandate my psyche! But it does. But it shouldn’t! But it does. But it is so much hurtling at me all the time that I can’t help but feel nauseous or have my heart quicken (and not in a romantic way in the least bit) when I think about all the homework sets pummeling my brain and sleep schedule into dust. I’ve tried to meditate lately with this app called Headspace. I think it helps me recenter when I feel like my mind is bouncing off the walls of my head. But what if this is a chronic symptom? Symptom of what? I have been spending so much time to myself all the weeks I’ve been here. And I think I prefer it that way. But I can’t tell. I prefer it that way I think, but my current state of being is just student student student. I’m a student and nothing more. I’m a robot student who turns in her programming assignments and Latex-typeset proofs and then repeats the process perpetually. College is so lonely sometimes. I want to be alone because I keep telling myself I don’t like people. But I don’t think that’s entirely accurate. I like the idea of not liking people because it means you don’t have to bear your little heart open to these people you wind up liking and then being inevitably let down in some weird way. And it’s not that people suck and let you down. It’s more like you find they’re not as pristine as the mold your mind had constructed for these people (which isn’t fair for them) or that they’re too different for you and your comfortable comfort zone. But also they let you down sometimes. And unsuspectingly. And mostly it’s yourself you’re upset with because you don’t want to feel so let down because of your unrealistic fantasies. And I don’t want to need people. But maybe I do need them in some way. I feel like I’m always going to be living my life on a separate orbit. But also in perspective what are my problems and why do they matter? Isn’t it so strange? A completely different life. A completely different set of worries. And all these worries are just as valid as the next. Just different. I’m so privileged. I know! I’m at this great school with these great opportunities and bright minds and endless resources. I live such a comfortable life and my biggest worry is just some stupid fabricated computer science assignment probably created by some old white man. An assignment that DOESN’T MATTER IN THE LONG RUN. I’m going to be 50 and look back on my worry wart self and laugh! LAUGH! But nothing seems that laughable right now. Just scary. And stressful. I still feel so turbulent and terrified and lost and uncertain and small. And all these people around me are getting internship interviews and making neat things and instituting change in this world. Isn’t that terrifying and amazing and humbling all at once? And I feel like I complain so much about school. I’m just a monkey student. That’s so sad. I just talk about school all the time. School school school. Class class class. This isn’t the only facet of my life I think I hope. Why is it the most worrying and upsetting though? There was this “School of Life” video that talks about why we overeat. We do it to fill some other void that isn’t necessarily the hunger in our stomach. It’s a hunger for love, for fulfillment, for self-actualization. School is upsetting and stressful because my underlying self is turbulent and upset and confused and stressed. Not just about school. About love, meaning, purpose, and what these stupid things even mean. I feel lonely. The actions I go through are meaningless. And I have no sense of purpose. How do you pile a mountain of schoolwork on top of a wobbly assemblage of rocks? How do I patch myself up so that I can FOCUS and DO SOMETHING.
I feel so. nauseous.
Breathing fast. Breathing anxiously. Breathing. Life here is too fast. Too much. Too “too.” Stop this train!