* words for personal, future reference
ok. I have come to so many points this past year where I’ve felt anxious, restless, lost, boxed in, confused, etc. And in these moments, I truly feel like I can’t get out. My thoughts manifest themselves and swarm into some insidious monster that is out of my control. Central to this year has been the question, “How do I grow? In the way I want to? How will I face these thoughts? And how do I stand stronger?”
- I need to inculcate that thoughts are just thoughts. They’re fabricated based on my perceived reality, but a reality often times skewed and distorted in ways that undermine its integrity. I’m human. It’s in my nature to make mistakes in my judgments and interpretations. Thoughts != reality. Immanuel Kant, my home slice, asserts reality and things-in-themselves are unknowable. All that humans have are their post-digested morsels of what they perceive and interpret around them–which isn’t equivalent to the things-in-themselves. Everything is a working of the inner mind, which is so fickle and prone to fallacy to begin with.
- dance class helps me recenter my focus. I can’t think of anything besides how sore my muscles are from these damn fouettes….begone irrelevant, unwanted thoughts.
- I have my own growth cycle. From bean sprout to full human bean, who knows how long each portion of the life cycle is? There’s no timeline. I don’t need to be x, y, z by age 30 or have a, b, c by age 25.
- every time I watch this video clip from Steven Universe, I experience this strange heart twang. It helps brings me back to earth. Earth to annie…
- ask for help! reach out! I am so afraid of passing my burden onto others’ shoulders. This needs work. I’ve been zapped by past experiences…but they don’t speak for all future experiences.
- love thyself………and all that “self-love” endorsement rubbish. How do I fill myself up all on my own without being dependent on the love and affirmation of others? I still feel a strange sense of loneliness after being around others for a while. Accepting loneliness as a staple of life! Self-compassion! Patience with myself!
- music as a shield against the outer world. With my earbuds, I am (somewhat) ready to take on the world.
- LIFE IS EVERYTHING. ACCEPT IT. AMOR FATI. How can you ever know what is good without having the bad for perspective? “If you could fly then you’d feel south.” (ya that’s a Gambino quote b/c I’m ~mainstream hip~)
I usually don’t talk about my romantic life. And I don’t like to stew over it too deeply either. Feelings are weird, you know. Being okay and almost functional after my (romantic) relationship was so incredibly difficult. I felt like I finally let myself be vulnerable with another human being, and that was all for shit. I felt so profoundly alone. And I felt so excruciatingly confused and in pain. How could two people’s feelings diverge so greatly? What kind of insensible working of the world creates this kind of disconnect? Little human, you can love someone with all your heart, and that could never make someone feel what you would hope they feel. Was this it then?All these years I had this idealistic notion of a True Kindred Spirit. I realize that this was the genuine connection I had been looking for all along, but poof…so how was I, the most withdrawn turtle, ever going to find this again?
I still don’t know the answer to that question, but the unsolved problem doesn’t bother me as much anymore because in the grand scheme, it shouldn’t matter. I’m not living for anyone else! I’m not living to fulfill a checkbox where I “find true love”! I’m not living for the sole purpose of finding someone to share my life with! I’m not living frenziedly trying to meet strange societal deadlines!
I am making this promise to myself: I will not seek other people to fill my void. I have to fill myself first, and only with a full heart can I truly love another person (romantically, platonically). “You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
Nine months after, I’m still talking about this breakup. I’m sure there’s some pathetic irony or overthinking in all this. Who holds onto things for this long? Scratch that question. That doesn’t matter. If nobody is crazy or nostalgic enough to hold onto the past for this long, I’ll eagerly step forward and be the first.
I would never wish the pain of a breakup even on my mortal enemy. Well, I’m not too sure. The growth that accompanies hardship is an ineffable kind of blossoming. I’ve deepened my self-awareness and given myself space to breathe and exist alright. I enjoy spending time alone and in fact, need it, to function adequately.
With all this, I want to leave this for my future self: I hope that you experience heartbreak, hardship, trials, failures, all the worst that life can throw at you. In earnest, I hope you don’t take it all too close to heart and that you stand up every goddamn time and that you really blossom into the kind of human you want to be (sounding an awful lot like Nietzsche – “To those human beings who are of any concern to me I wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities—I wish that they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self-contempt, the torture of self-mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished: I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not—that one endures.”)